delusion of strengh, part i

Because I am studying abroad in Taiwan this semester, I have a rather long break - December 20 to February 15, almost 2 months. I was hoping for it to be a time of intense spiritual growth, praying a lot and reading a lot of books to help the growth. Some days I did well, many days my laziness overcame me such that when I try to remember what happened during a set of days, very few activities and memories are recalled. For a period of time, I would sleep late and awake late with the feeling that the entire day was already wasted. I am frustrated at this laziness and somehow wish I could have the discipline, especially when E. M. Bounds states that "morning listlessness is the index to a listless heart" and that "a desire for God which cannot break the chains of sleep is a weak thing and will do but little good for God after it has indulged itself fully." It leads me to question whether my desire for God precedes the discipline or whether I should force in the discipline before the desire eventually surfaces. Having asked God (maybe not persistently enough), stir in me a passion for You; it seems that this desire has never come fully (or at all? - I only dare say this in parentheses).

In another perspective, C. S. Lewis says in The Screwtape Letters that "Irresistable and Indisputable are two weapons" which God's nature never allows Him to use, otherwise it would "merely override human will." In addition, God may set us off at the beginning or during certain times to help us get started but leaves us to stand up on our own legs, and during these latter "trough periods," this is where the growing takes place. "Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best." Am I in a God-induced dry period? I don't feel particularly excited about pursuing God, yet I still do so consistently to some extent. Yet I don't feel particularly depressed either. I would be flattered if this was considered a dry period and God was giving it to me for an extended period of time to test my will (most of my life would be considered dry then). I would be frightened if this was considered normal or even high and the dry periods allowed me were much worse in the days to come. Or is laziness a fleshly constant that we would have to overcome daily?

Before the New Life college retreat this past weekend, I was feeling very sluggish, not that I didn't do anything, but that with the time availability I could do much more. I was hoping that the retreat could set me off at a high to get me running for at least this month. Now as an aside but still relevant, I have been skeptical about retreats and post retreat highs for a long time, having been to many church camps, labor day retreats, and conferences in my life. I do pick up things that last over time and slowly add to my growth, but never the life changing impact that followed my early church retreats which were only short-lived. When planning this retreat at Pastor Tae's house one Sunday afternoon, I pushed for the how more than the why. Some others wanted the theme to be on perseverance; to me that would be an inspiring message that when put into my skeptical retreat equation would again only be short-lived. I pushed for the learning of actual apologetics, hoping for a workshop on tips and principles to stick to if I were to come across a Muslim or an atheist for example. Since retreat highs would have a short-term effect might as well learn something concrete.

part ii

So the retreat came and the first message was focused on faith and doubt. In discussing the passage of Mark 9, Pastor Mitchell Lee also mentioned the delusion of strength as opposed to the reality of weakness that we have, and that is where old unanswered questions arose.

For a long time and for a longer time to come, (I'm sure you can all identify), I have been struggling with pride. It's easy to ignore as the battle takes place in the mind although we manifest pride in our actions towards others. And I certainly have a lot to be proud about as well. In a holy way to say it: I have been blessed with many talents and abilities. I mean really, I am smarter than many people, I can make friends more easily than others, I can play guitar better than many people (some people can't even play at all), and I am more righteous than others on many accounts. Sure I struggle with pride, but I'm sure everyone else struggles with that as well, so you reduce that factor on both sides of the equation and the comparison still comes down to me being a better person. I try to be humble by trying not to not think these thoughts, but it seems that the default state is always prone to pride. It's kind of like flexing your bicep. It takes conscious thought to keep your bicep flexed when you are in sitting position, of course it's nothing hard and you could probably flex it for a very long time, but when you stop thinking about it, it naturally goes into the relaxed state. Pride is the default state of my mind; humility takes concentration.

This ties into the first paragraphs because I feel that many of the spiritual goals I pursued this break were for mixed motives. Pastor Tae brought up the question, is the Word of God humbling me? The Bible should have a humbling effect not a pride making effect. One of the reasons I wanted to read a lot of books was so that I could be more eloquent and give better advice. People who listened to me would be like wow, that's really insightful. This pride spills into every other aspect as well. I could pray a lot and people would be impressed by my discipline in praying a certain amount of time consistently. Or I could practice guitar more for the sake of leading worship and people could be impressed by the skill for learning guitar in such a short amount of time, having had little guidance from others. So is the solution simply to stop practicing, reading, or praying? Obviously not. Then how do I reconcile pursuing these things without having the pride constantly surface. There was something fundamental in my mindset that had to be changed, I knew the answer to my question on the surface, but somehow it didn't penetrate deeply. Obviously when you gain more knowledge and abilities, you become more capable - capable being close in meaning to strong. The delusion of strength would become more delirious.

Pride is tricky for example if I led worship today. I could have done it in a proud show-off way, you may or may not have noticed. Or I could have done it in a humble manner. Even if I did led worship humbly, the next day I could have looked back at yesterday and felt prideful about it, and the next next day I could have looked back, I could be humble about it again. The picture I'm trying to create here is one of complexity to the point where you almost don't want to do anything about it. So you just quit slaving over trying to be humble.

part iii

The second and last night's message somehow made sense to everything listed above, the exact cause and effect sequences in my head are not clear, and it is something I hope to understand by writing this down. When I quote important phrases from Mitchell's message, I am certain that my paraphrases would not have the same impact that his words had because the truth that he spoke has not yet manifested itself in my life. If I spoke the very same words imitating the same expression and tone of voice, I would still lack the life behind the message, that is the power of the Spirit.

First of all, he mentioned Paul's humility, which progressed from "the least of the apostles" (1 Cor 15:9), to "the least of all God's people" (Ephesians 3:8), to "the worst of sinners" (1 Tim 1:16). Before then I viewed Paul's statement as just some "trustworthy saying" (1 Timothy 1:15) that we should remind ourselves every once in a while as the ideal. Paul was certainly by my standards (likely yours) one of the most righteous people who I'm sure struggled with sin but overcame it better than most people. This was just a saying that he reminded himself with. But as Mitchell pointed out, this was far more than a reminder. Paul not only truly believed it but also progressively became more humble as he understood God's grace more, which explains the progression from least of the apostles, to saints, to sinners everywhere. This is something fundamental that I must come to believe to understand God's grace more and more. The analogy of humility being similar to consciously having to flex your bicep is hardly accurate. When I know someone has sinned, I must know that if the hand of God were to depart from me, I would easily do the same if not worse, or in a translated quote "I can see how that would happen."

When he posed the question: do you need a savior today? My honest answer was no. I only needed the savior once - before I was saved, but probably never after. But if I realized that I was far worse than I could imagine (with the greater truth that I was also far more loved than I could ever hope for), I would understand the word grace and the need for that word better. This comes from a daily clinging to the foot of the cross - our cross. We should be the ones on that cross, but now we only go as far as the foot because Christ has already been on the cross for us. This was the fundamental truth I have to realize, Mitchell's message comes from a small understanding of grace, and it spoke loudly. I only understand a fraction of what he understands. We won't understand the fullness of grace until we rise with Christ.

As for the delusion of strength, I later asked him how to reconcile my talents and knowledge with not increasing your delusion of strength. He said that it was just words. "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 4:10-11).

I could give the best message, but not even affect the pattern of a heart beat, much less, change someone's heart. Conversely, if grace spoke through me, I could feel like my words were useless and yet change many hearts. If we are not administering God's grace, it is all just words.

I have heard the gospel before. If I were to summarize the grace that Pastor Mitchell Lee preached it would be nothing that we haven't heard before. Somewhere in his message are nuances that make it fundamentally different than what I believed. Yet at the same time I realize how easy it is for these nuances to be forgotten as the retreat becomes yesterday, 2 months ago, 3 days ago...I don't understand grace or how I can be humble, but I think I understand how it can be understood. What I say today I may not believe tomorrow, for it is a daily clinging to the foot of the cross, a daily surrendering that must take place.

the first miracle of the new year

Last night we were looking for the front door keys.

Lately we've been going to our cousins' house a lot since our other cousins from Colorado came. So every time we left the house we would bring the house keys with us. Could have been the one on the door the one on my brother's car ones or the ones with my parents' car keys. We would bring one or two of the above. Over time we might lose track of where they were, and the house keys attached to my brother's car keys would end up unlocking the front door. Yesterday night we decided to look for the default front door keys and couldn't quite find it. It took even longer, we kept searching and searching. Table drawers, jacket pockets, bags, under the couch. We searched further and longer, my dad losing his patience.

We prayed. We searched even more, called cousin to see if we left it at her house, no? maybe we'll search there ourselves tomorrow - and more thoroughly - since it was about 11 pm.

I gave up, if it isn't in the house then I should just wait until the next day and search. My mom finally found it, it was in her bag that she searched earlier, but didn't unzip one of the compartments.

There has been so many stories like this one where I would displace things such as my wallet or keys or other small but crucial items. It seems that I can only find it after praying. Sometimes I try to search and search, seeing if it really is necessary to pray. Then I give up and pray and find it. Lesson learned: search time decreases as prayer increases. Yesterday was much more than that though, my dad was getting rather frustrated, saying that we were not responsible and other things. There was the mailbox keys among other things as well. We were praying for much more than finding the keys, peace mainly.

My mom remarked later that this was "the first miracle of the new year." Indeed it was. Small, yes; at the time, no. These are the small things we tend to forget. God answers small prayers as well and gives us peace when we ask for it. A reminder for me as the new year proceeds.

That was 1/1.