delusion of strengh, part i

Because I am studying abroad in Taiwan this semester, I have a rather long break - December 20 to February 15, almost 2 months. I was hoping for it to be a time of intense spiritual growth, praying a lot and reading a lot of books to help the growth. Some days I did well, many days my laziness overcame me such that when I try to remember what happened during a set of days, very few activities and memories are recalled. For a period of time, I would sleep late and awake late with the feeling that the entire day was already wasted. I am frustrated at this laziness and somehow wish I could have the discipline, especially when E. M. Bounds states that "morning listlessness is the index to a listless heart" and that "a desire for God which cannot break the chains of sleep is a weak thing and will do but little good for God after it has indulged itself fully." It leads me to question whether my desire for God precedes the discipline or whether I should force in the discipline before the desire eventually surfaces. Having asked God (maybe not persistently enough), stir in me a passion for You; it seems that this desire has never come fully (or at all? - I only dare say this in parentheses).

In another perspective, C. S. Lewis says in The Screwtape Letters that "Irresistable and Indisputable are two weapons" which God's nature never allows Him to use, otherwise it would "merely override human will." In addition, God may set us off at the beginning or during certain times to help us get started but leaves us to stand up on our own legs, and during these latter "trough periods," this is where the growing takes place. "Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best." Am I in a God-induced dry period? I don't feel particularly excited about pursuing God, yet I still do so consistently to some extent. Yet I don't feel particularly depressed either. I would be flattered if this was considered a dry period and God was giving it to me for an extended period of time to test my will (most of my life would be considered dry then). I would be frightened if this was considered normal or even high and the dry periods allowed me were much worse in the days to come. Or is laziness a fleshly constant that we would have to overcome daily?

Before the New Life college retreat this past weekend, I was feeling very sluggish, not that I didn't do anything, but that with the time availability I could do much more. I was hoping that the retreat could set me off at a high to get me running for at least this month. Now as an aside but still relevant, I have been skeptical about retreats and post retreat highs for a long time, having been to many church camps, labor day retreats, and conferences in my life. I do pick up things that last over time and slowly add to my growth, but never the life changing impact that followed my early church retreats which were only short-lived. When planning this retreat at Pastor Tae's house one Sunday afternoon, I pushed for the how more than the why. Some others wanted the theme to be on perseverance; to me that would be an inspiring message that when put into my skeptical retreat equation would again only be short-lived. I pushed for the learning of actual apologetics, hoping for a workshop on tips and principles to stick to if I were to come across a Muslim or an atheist for example. Since retreat highs would have a short-term effect might as well learn something concrete.