part iii

The second and last night's message somehow made sense to everything listed above, the exact cause and effect sequences in my head are not clear, and it is something I hope to understand by writing this down. When I quote important phrases from Mitchell's message, I am certain that my paraphrases would not have the same impact that his words had because the truth that he spoke has not yet manifested itself in my life. If I spoke the very same words imitating the same expression and tone of voice, I would still lack the life behind the message, that is the power of the Spirit.

First of all, he mentioned Paul's humility, which progressed from "the least of the apostles" (1 Cor 15:9), to "the least of all God's people" (Ephesians 3:8), to "the worst of sinners" (1 Tim 1:16). Before then I viewed Paul's statement as just some "trustworthy saying" (1 Timothy 1:15) that we should remind ourselves every once in a while as the ideal. Paul was certainly by my standards (likely yours) one of the most righteous people who I'm sure struggled with sin but overcame it better than most people. This was just a saying that he reminded himself with. But as Mitchell pointed out, this was far more than a reminder. Paul not only truly believed it but also progressively became more humble as he understood God's grace more, which explains the progression from least of the apostles, to saints, to sinners everywhere. This is something fundamental that I must come to believe to understand God's grace more and more. The analogy of humility being similar to consciously having to flex your bicep is hardly accurate. When I know someone has sinned, I must know that if the hand of God were to depart from me, I would easily do the same if not worse, or in a translated quote "I can see how that would happen."

When he posed the question: do you need a savior today? My honest answer was no. I only needed the savior once - before I was saved, but probably never after. But if I realized that I was far worse than I could imagine (with the greater truth that I was also far more loved than I could ever hope for), I would understand the word grace and the need for that word better. This comes from a daily clinging to the foot of the cross - our cross. We should be the ones on that cross, but now we only go as far as the foot because Christ has already been on the cross for us. This was the fundamental truth I have to realize, Mitchell's message comes from a small understanding of grace, and it spoke loudly. I only understand a fraction of what he understands. We won't understand the fullness of grace until we rise with Christ.

As for the delusion of strength, I later asked him how to reconcile my talents and knowledge with not increasing your delusion of strength. He said that it was just words. "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 4:10-11).

I could give the best message, but not even affect the pattern of a heart beat, much less, change someone's heart. Conversely, if grace spoke through me, I could feel like my words were useless and yet change many hearts. If we are not administering God's grace, it is all just words.

I have heard the gospel before. If I were to summarize the grace that Pastor Mitchell Lee preached it would be nothing that we haven't heard before. Somewhere in his message are nuances that make it fundamentally different than what I believed. Yet at the same time I realize how easy it is for these nuances to be forgotten as the retreat becomes yesterday, 2 months ago, 3 days ago...I don't understand grace or how I can be humble, but I think I understand how it can be understood. What I say today I may not believe tomorrow, for it is a daily clinging to the foot of the cross, a daily surrendering that must take place.